Another Year, Another Useless Gift

We’ve all been there. You unwrap that carefully taped present, heartbeat slightly elevated—only to find a scented candle that smells like regret or a mug that says "World’s Best [Something You’re Not]."

Why Do They Even Bother?

Is it obligation? A prank? A secret conspiracy to clutter your home? The world may never know. But one thing’s certain: useless birthday gifts are a universal trauma.

The Five Stages of Gift Disappointment

1. **Denial**: "Wait… is this a joke?" 2. **Anger**: "Who even buys this?!" 3. **Bargaining**: "Maybe if I regift it..." 4. **Depression**: *Stares at gift receipt like it’s a betrayal* 5. **Acceptance**: *Adds it to the "Donation Pile of Shame"*

Pro Tip:

If you’re the gift-giver, just give cash. Or silence. Both are equally appreciated.